Home Schooling - A Path to Enlightenment?

I have not liked most parts of home schooling.

This is mainly because the whole process has tugged on all of my perfectionistic and people-pleasing neuroses and lay them out for the world (and myself and my kids) to see. This only occurred to me while I was feverishly posting evidence of my grade 1s activity on the school app and then checking constantly as to whether the teacher had “liked” it. Oh my goodness. I am not in grade 1, why do I care what Catherine (teacher) thinks of me? Why do I care what anyone thinks of me?

I have come to believe that the only thing that really matters is what I think of me.

I feel like the last 3 months of my life have required me to dig very deep into my self-care, insight & emotional management tool kits, not to mention my interpersonal tools. It is like I have been on a very long, not-self-imposed Zen retreat. With a slightly irritable and irrational grade 1 Zen master whipping me as I climb a very tall mountain, in the rain, naked. THAT is how hard it has been, so so many opportunities for insight and development and so so many opportunities for crumbling into a puddle of frustrated and angry goop, right here on the kitchen floor. Of course, in reality, most of the time, it was my own dear mind who was the old Zen master. Dammit, those realisations hurt.

Someone asked me the other day “how is home schooling going?” I paused, she jumped in and said, “I am sure there are some lovely bits”. My response was a very definite “no, there have been not been many lovely bits, I have actually dreaded most mornings at 9am when we are supposed to start ‘school’. I have had to constantly check myself as to whether I am going too hard or too soft, I have had to constantly remember what really matters at the end of all this (mental health and connection!)  and I am currently measuring the success of my days in terms of whether I killed or divorced anyone”. She was silent (and perhaps a little shocked) and she finally said, “oh well, at least you’re honest”. I could tell she was a little disappointed that I wasn’t more up-beat about the whole thing, I mean, I am a psychologist and meditation teacher after all – aren’t I supposed to be positive? Or at least have my shit together?

I have spent a great portion of my life not being honest about my feelings and, pretending to have my shit together. As women, and especially as mothers, society demands us to be smiling and grateful and to just get on with it. Of course, I am grateful, my life is awesome but, that does not diminish my pain and discomfort. In fact, I have now come to believe that pain and discomfort is necessary for us to truly grow into who we are supposed to be. And that all of this avoiding of pain and discomfort does us as a massive disservice. We then pass down this way of seeing and being to our kids, which, in turn does them a massive disservice. We gotta teach ourselves (and our kids) how to ride the pain and discomfort that comes with being a fully functioning human, not how to hide it and especially not how to fix it.

 I think this starts when we are little girls, when we are taught to be nice and quiet and pretty and well-behaved. We swallow down our feelings (unless of course they are the “positive” ones like happiness and joy) and eventually, they lodge themselves in our bodies. The mind/body connection is alive and well here, I can assure you. Our anger or fear or shame sits in our gut, churning, churning, churning – largely unacknowledged or unexpressed. Angry women are dismissed as aggressive or neurotic, or lesbian (as if that were an insult).

If we do somehow manage to keep a lid on it, sometimes these emotions seep out, trickling and whirling as insecurities or irritability or unexplainable tears. We wonder why rates of burn-out, anxiety, depression and autoimmune disease are higher in women!

As my sister in law pointed out to me the other day, women are the biggest losers in this global pandemic. Women make up most of the part time or less-skilled workforce and they are largely the ones who have lost their jobs due to the economic crunch we all find ourselves in. They are also largely the ones who have been tasked with homeschooling the kids, putting their careers on hold, once again (and having the Zen-retreat-like experience described above). Please be assured this is not having a go at men. Men are bloody awesome, it is not their fault that we all live in a largely patriarchal society set up by and for men. However, is sure as hell is their responsibility to be aware of what is happening here and, to step in to support and work with the women in their lives, at home and at work.

And so, this is why I am so passionate about running my #mindfulwoman meditation classes every week via zoom. It is an opportunity for women to come together to support and grow and rediscover their awesomeness.  The awesomeness that may have been stifled by society and/or the way they were raised (no fault passing or blame here – just an acknowledgement of reality). No competing, no pretending, no fake smiling or “I’m fine – how are you?”. Just us. As we are. Passionate. Smart. Funny. Whole. Human.

And so, home-schooling ends for some of us next week. However, I know that life will continue to throw me many more opportunities for development and growth. That is what life does. Life wants us to grow into who we are supposed to be, not what we have been told we should be. One thing I am not supposed to be for sure, is a primary school teacher, especially not to my own kids.

Thanks for the memories home schooling, smell ya later!

Meditation and Mindfulness is NOT ENOUGH to get us through Covid19

Meditation and Mindfulness alone is NOT ENOUGH to get us through Covid19, but it sure can help……

The demon, standing at the old door, wailing that it needed it’s fix. It just didn’t want to be tamed. A warrior woman, wielding her sword, standing her ground and owning her power. She struggled and fought with the demon as he tried to wrestle the sword from her grasping hands. All of a sudden, her years of mindfulness training clicked in, the haze lifted, the stories stopped and her presence became broad and open. She could see what was really happening.

A mother, frustrated at her failed attempts to cut, yet another deal, with her 6-year-old to do his damn writing task. A child who just wanted to play one more (educational?) game on the device with which he had become obsessed. A desktop computer flailing in the doorway, uncertain of where it belonged. All of them upset and definitely not being their best-selves. Especially the computer, I mean, what is a desktop computer when not on top of a desk?

The warrior mother was me, the demon 6-year-old was my youngest son.

After the computer wrestling escapade, and my son and I had calmed down and apologized for our behaviour, I reflected. And I called my mates to hear their similar tales of iso insanity (isoanity?) and I jumped onto social media to see what everyone else was up to (I have a social media feed that I have carefully curated to nourish, not undermine, my happiness) and this is what I learned:

• We are all struggling (to different degrees for sure), teaching our kids at home is really bloody hard

• We are all tired and we have no idea why – we are confused, we aren’t doing much but we are so tired – what is wrong with us?

• Some of us cry, periodically through the day – for us, for our kids, for our world and we are too embarrassed to ask if others are crying too

• As women, we find ourselves back in the home, after pushing and dreaming and trying so damn hard to leave it – some of us are resentful and frustrated – where have our careers gone? Where is our freedom? Why must we swallow our passions to make way for maths lessons? Why is it us who have to put our lives on hold - yet again?

This is what I know:

• If you are experiencing it, there is an incredibly high chance other people are too. We are not all that different, you and I. Tell someone.

• We have the option to revisit our expectations and standards. We can ask “do the rules and norms that were in our families 6 weeks ago (pre-Covid19) still apply?” I mean, these are exceptional times, surely, we can make exceptions to some rules? Which rules or expectations do you need to review or tweak?

• When we are stuck in struggle town – one of the worst things we can do is fight it, one of the best things we can do is accept it. When we accept it, we get bigger than it, when we get bigger than it, we stop merging with it and we can, once again, access the wise part of our beautiful human brains (where we house our sense of humour, our creativity, our joy and our capacity for connection and gratitude).

• We are tired because worry and grief and trauma are tiring, so is anger. Big emotions are tiring, fighting big emotions is even more tiring. Can we find ways to express how we are feeling? Call someone to chat about it, write about it in a journal, meditate on it – do anything that works to remember we are not the emotion and that we are bigger and wiser than it. Don’t just bury it because life is messy with big emotions. Life is messy full stop. And the messiness levels have risen exponentially right now, let’s not deny it. Let the emotion out (perhaps just leave the desktop computers plugged into the wall – its better that way, take it from me). And nap, please take naps. Put the kids in front of the TV and nap.

• Women, by and large, are the ones taking on the “home schooling” and extended parenting responsibilities right now and no, this is not fair. However, this is where we find ourselves and the more of us who speak up and express how we feel the more likely things will start to change. Men are good, men love us and want to help us, we just need to teach them how. This is all new for them too. We have to start in our own homes if we want to change a culture. This is a damn big ship to turn around but we gotta start. Connect with other women (you could do that at my weekly Mindful Woman zoom classes). Support your sisters – we are stronger and braver when we are together – even via zoom.

• We need to dig deep on all of our self-care resources now, just the bare minimum will not cut it:

o   drag out the yoga mat and do some online classes,

o   grab an app to learn or revamp your meditation practice (go to the resources page for tips),

o   get out and exercise for 20-30 mins every day (even if that means doing star jumps or squats on your balcony),

o   write a list of 3 things you are grateful for (sounds poxy but we have the science to prove it works),

o   eat fresh nourishing food,

o   communicate with your team (family and friends) about how you are feeling and what you need.

And finally, know when you need extra help from a psychologist or counsellor and go to the GP and get the damn referral. Remember, self-care is not weak or selfish, it allows us to be our best selves (and potentially leave computers in their rightful homes!).

We can do this, I know we can. But let’s please be kind to ourselves and each other (hint: meditation can help build our kindness muscles).  And let’s, for goodness sake, lower our expectations of ourselves and each other. This will all pass and when it does, we want all of our relationships to be intact – they will be important to support us as we re-enter the world and go around madly hugging everyone.

 PS. You know that all of the tips in this blog are for me just as much as you – right? As the saying goes, we teach what we need to learn!!! And the learning continues……

Mindfully Mum

FINDING CLARITY, CALM AND CONNECTION WITHIN THE CHAOS OF MOTHERHOOD

Originally posted 2016

Becoming a mother was one of the most exciting and challenging roles I had ever accepted.
The job ad read a little something like this:

“Are you in your 30s, in a serious relationship, already have a dog and looking for the next step?
Join our growing organization and find your real purpose!

We are seeking capable, intelligent and loving women to join our flourishing group. You will have some prior experience with children and relatively strong pelvic floor muscles.

You will be rewarded with long, warm snuggles, unconditional love and affection and a sweet smelling sleepy baby. You will enjoy shopping for cute baby clothes, knowing smiles from strangers and compliments on the cuteness of your offspring.

You will experience satisfaction from your new role and will feel fulfilled and challenged. Working hours are flexible and uniform typically consists of yoga pants and baggy t-shirts.

Apply at applications@mummeup.com.au”

And for some women, the reality of the role may, in fact be very close to the job ad. For me, they were quite different…… Yes, there were (and still are) occasional long snuggles and some shopping for cute baby clothes and there are absolutely elements of satisfaction and intense meaning that this role has brought to my life. However, the flexible working hours did not turn out to be quite as flexible as originally promised and my manager (the child, not the husband) seemed to be very unpredictable, totally incapable of taking accountability for his actions and very unsure of what he really wants! Not to mention the tears (from everyone) and the feelings of loss of identity, loneliness and life focus. Questions like “who am I now that I am a mother?” “when will I ever have time for myself?” “How does she manage to do it all and I can barely manage a shower?” and “Am I doing this right?” made regular appearances in the chatter of my mind. Thank goodness I discovered mindfulness, just in time. Just as I was becoming completely disengaged and a little resentful, mindfulness reached out and tickled my curiosity. It may have just saved me from losing all of my marbles…

MIndfulness - The definition

The formal definition of mindfulness is “Moment to moment, non-judgmental awareness” (Jon Kabat-Zinn) but I quite like to think of it as “being open and curious to what is actually happening, rather than what we think is happening”. As mothers we tend to spend a lot of time thinking about what is happening, rather than taking part in what is happening. It is this constant chatter of our very busy minds that can get us into trouble and distract us from engaging wholly in our own lives.

Mindfulness is a skill that can be learnt by anyone. It is nurtured simply by paying attention with an open and accepting approach. It involves removing our judgment (black and white thinking – good mum/bad mum etc) and applying the compassion and acceptance we may typically reserve for other, to ourselves. Sounds simple hey? And it is but simple doesn’t mean easy.

Nurturing this skill takes practice and commitment as we are literally rewiring our brain. We are gaining insight into our thought patterns and habits and deciding whether they are useful for us now in our current lives and in our current roles. Through this process we introduce the element of CHOICE to our experience and bring a greater degree of clarity, calm and connection into our existence.

Our mindfulness skills can be developed through formal practices such as meditation, yoga or relaxation exercises or informal practices such as simply paying attention to what we are doing. We can fold laundry mindfully, we can brush our teeth mindfully, we can listen and engage with our kids mindfully, we can even wipe their little butts with awareness! Research tells us “a wandering mind is an unhappy mind” so our task is to reign in this wandering animal and use it for good rather than allowing it to use us for evil (such as freaking out because the nappy is not on perfectly straight!).

So how does performance in the motherhood role look when we approach it with a greater degree of mindfulness? By simply bringing awareness to both our internal (thoughts and feelings) and external (behaviors) experiences, we can examine them with more clarity and make the executive decision as to whether they are contributing positively to our existence. Are they enhancing our relationships or slowly destroying them? Are they boosting our self-esteem or stripping them? And ultimately, are they contributing to our happiness?

Tips for finding more clarity, calm and connection

1 The “Now What?” Meditation Inspired by Denise Roy (Momfulness)

You know those times you are trying to get your kid in the car, running late for a meeting and still trying to eat your toast and your kid decides he would prefer to sit in the front seat rather than his seat in the back? It is during these times that this practice is particularly useful. All it takes is three mindful breaths.

1. First Breath – connect with your internal strength and ground yourself (stop the crazy spinning thoughts!)
2. Second Breath – tune into your kid – what is going on for them? Are they tired, hungry, not wanting to go to school today?
3. Third Breath – Ask yourself – now what? How do I need to be in this moment? What is going to help me here?

2 R . A . I . N

This is a handy practice to use when you feel like you have lost many of your marbles and would quite like to gain a little more clarity and perspective in a situation you are finding stressful. It is a four-step approach and uses the acronym R.A.I.N:

R – Recognize your experience (“ah…I am feeling anxious”) Where am I feeling it in my body? how do I know I am anxious?
A – Allow it to be (“hello anxiety my old friend”) Can you breathe into it and allow more space for it to be there? can you let go of any belief that this feeling is bad or wrong?
I – Investigate the possible learnings (“what are you telling me anxiety?”). This stage is REALLY important, it may be here you gather more information about your values or even your own personal childhood traumas that have triggered you. This is not just a “head thing”, we are not just thinking about it, we need to tune into our body here. This takes practice and meditation is a great place to do that.
N – Non-attachment and Nurture (“I know I am feeling anxious but it is just a feeling and it does not need to overwhelm me as I know it will pass”) and then we show ourselves some loving attention: “I know this is hard darling, I know you are trying your best”, this can be facilitated by stopping, breathing deeply (especially elongating the exhalation) and putting our hand firmly but softly on our heart area (giving ourselves and our body a little loving snuggle).

Hopefully these tips will bring more clarity, calm and connection to your role as a mum. It is a wonderful job and we are incredibly lucky and blessed to have been successful in our application and as long as we don’t let our minds (and all of the expectations, worries and irrational beliefs) run the show – I believe we can continue to find meaning, satisfaction and fulfillment, even in the sleep deprived chaos of it all!