In Pursuit of Clear Water

How the “wellbeing industry” can over promise and under deliver, sometimes leaving us feeling worse

 Some modern gurus would have us believe that when we are born, we are like pure, clean, fresh water. Untainted, open, loving, peaceful. It is only our early experiences that colour our water.

 And so, we are told, we must work hard (through meditation or practicing gratitude or buying whatever miracle potion they are selling) to cleanse ourselves of the devilish colour the world has seeped onto and into us.

And, then after years of work, if we don’t get “better” or “enlightened” it is our fault, and we just “haven’t tried hard enough” or “worked hard enough” or “built enough insight”. And so, the cycle continues, and we pay more money and spend more time trying to fix ourselves, this time fueled by shame and fear. We are striving, and pushing and abandoning ourselves over and over and over again. The story we are sold is that if we just do as they say, we too can have all that they (appear to) have.

 After being one of these people myself and jamming meditation down the throat of whomever would listen to me, I now know, this approach is both cruel and downright wrong. We are not all the same and yes, meditation (and other personal development activities) is likely to be helpful to many of us, but we cannot be sure exactly what kind of effect it will have, and we certainly can’t promise any kind of ideal outcome or arrival destination.

 What if we are each born into this world with our very own colour, coded into our very cells? Of course, our colour changes as we encounter and learn certain things in our life. However, at the end of the day, we all bring our own unique colour to any kind of personal development work we do. So, if we are all starting from a different place, of course the results of any kind of development will also be different. Comparison is futile, we are simply not comparing apples with apples. In fact, we may not even be comparing fruit with fruit!

For example, if I was represented by the yellow glass of water and you the blue glass of water in the image above (the combination of my genetics and early experiences made me yellow and you blue) and we added the same amount of the same red dye (representing “the miracle cure”, say, 20 minutes a day of meditation) to our respective glasses, would we turn the same colour? Of course not! I would be orange and you would be purple. Both beautiful colours but very different, even though we added the same “dose” of the “miracle cure”.

So, when any teacher or guide or coach or guru tells you that if you do “x” you will categorically get “y” and that if you don’t get “y” it is your fault - run a mile! We each need to find our own recipe for thriving, considering all the causes and conditions that have come together to make us the unique and wonderful colour (well, colours – let’s be honest!) we are!

 When it comes to the possibility that we are all in fact clear water, as is the case with most things, there is a kernel of truth in this. We ALL do have pure, clear, clean, open water in us, in fact it is our very life essence. Some people might call it soul, others awareness, others God, I call it very simply, love or connection. We ALL have this in us and we also all have our own unique colouring, given to us by our genetics, our heritage, and our early experiences. And yes, we can work with the colouring, and we can manage it (why else go to therapy or journal or meditate or build insight in any way?) and maybe even change it a bit, but we must stop striving to be fixed and instead learn to live with our colour/s and in doing that, we might taste the pure water of our essence anyway.

And to those of us who are teachers or guides, we must stop promising outcomes and instead encourage curiosity, compassion and courage on the journey. We must remember to shift from “fault” to “responsibility” and empower others to manage thier own development and ultimately, health. This is the gift of awareness, the gift of seeing clearly the Truth of reality and then responding to this with wisdom and kindness.

Check out my free meditations on Insight Timer and the YOU ARE LOVED podcast (via Apple podcasts and Spotify) – reminding us all that love is always available to us, if only we stop and connect to it.

Buzzy or Fuzzy?

Why Anxiety and Depression are different sides of the same coin and why we must adopt a mind/body approach to our education, treatment and management of these mental health conditions.

 “But what are you thinking Dad?”

 I would persist as I perched on the end of the bed as he lay slumped there, staring at the ceiling, “nothing” would be his whispered response, “I just feel numb”.  My Dad has lived with clinical depression for 25 years and he is still trying to understand why he has it and how it works.

As a psychologist, trained and working in Cognitive Behavioural therapy or CBT, I tried desperately to help him to identify his irrational thoughts so we could uncover some of his core beliefs. But he gave me nothing to work with - if there are no thoughts, what can we do? There was nothing to analyze!

Over the last 25 years I have played a massive part in Dad’s mental health journey, there have been moments I have been dismayed and horrified at the treatments that have been offered to him and times I have been overcome with gratitude for the love and care he has been shown by some of our medical professionals.

I have also worked professionally in mental health and have been faced with my own periods of anxiety, burn out and depression.  There are many wonderful techniques we can learn and practice to nourish our psychological wellbeing (such as CBT) and for some, they may well be enough to stop and even reverse experiences of anxious and depressive responses to life’s challenges.

There is however, one big gaping hole in the way we treat and talk about mental health.

 This gaping hole is the body.

When we think of mental illness, we can think about broken brains. How much do we really know about the role of the body, when it comes to depression and anxiety? Surely there is wisdom in the word “depressed”, it sounds quite like “deep rest” to me (Jim Carey) – could it just be that it is our body asking for some down time?

 Did you know, more information travels up from the body to the brain than the brain to the body? And, as the primary job of the brain is to make meaning out of things, we often create stories (usually based on our past experiences) around the information that is coming up from our body.

“Tight chest? Must be nervous about x, y or z”.

“Churning tummy? It must be that this job/person/experience is not safe”.

Sometimes these body messages are spot on (they can point us to our values and our intuition) but other times they are very inaccurate. They can be a result of unresolved past experiences playing out in unhelpful ways in the present. If our past has been unsafe in some way, we, through no fault of our own, may unconsciously interpret that threatening email from a client as a life-or-death situation or that sideways glance from a stranger as a threat to our safety. In response to these events and our thoughts about these events, our body switches on its survival response (fight/flight) and because we are often completely unaware of it, we don’t turn it off. Many of us live weeks, months or years in this anxious survival state, until one day (depending upon our history and our genetics) it all comes crumbling down and we slide (or crash!) into clinical depression. The body has come to our rescue and slowed us down for us. It has slammed on the breaks and said “OK, REST! Now!”.

We must start including the body in meaningful ways when it comes to diagnosis, education and treatment for depression and anxiety. We need to learn how to accurately interpret these messages from the finely tuned (albeit sometimes out of whack) instrument that is our body.

As the body’s language is feelings, we must be educating ourselves and our children in this ancient language.

Intellectually, it makes absolutely no sense that those of us who experience anxiety are also more prone to depression – I mean they seem like the opposite thing! One is up, the other is down. One is future-focused, one is past – focused. Anxiety often carries with it thoughts like:

“What will happen if I fail?”

“It has to be perfect”

“It’s all going to go wrong!”

Whereas thoughts associated with depression are more along the lines of:

“I don’t care - what’s the point anyway?”

“I can’t believe I said/did/wore that!”

“I am so hopeless; I will never get anywhere/fit in”

Opposites, right? Yes, but intimately connected by one very cool system in our body – our autonomic nervous system (ANS) and specifically the vagus nerve. It is no coincidence that the pharmacological treatment for anxiety is often the same as that for depression. A very clever human by the name of Dr Stephen Porges has been able to explain to us, for the very first time, why anxiety and depression go hand in hand.  His theory is the Polyvagal Theory and I encourage you to do some of your own research into his work.

 Without getting too technical (to be honest I am still learning it all myself!), we have two branches of our ANS, both very important for our survival and thriving. The balance of these two branches may well be one way to define “wellbeing”.

The first branch is called the sympathetic nervous system or SNS, this is responsible for the very important survival or fight/flight response. Many of us perfectionists out there are very familiar with this branch, it is the one that keeps us alert and go, go, going. It can make us “buzzy” and incredibly productive, it can be fun and rather addictive spending time here. We need this system to survive (like to get out of bed and get going!) and stay safe (like jump out of the way of an oncoming bus) but unfortunately, for some of us (due to trauma, genetics or modelling by our primary caregivers) this system is stuck on “on” and we find ourselves in a perpetual state of stress and anxiety, not just in our brains (racing thoughts) but in our body (tight heart, brick in tummy, short breath) too.

The second system is the parasympathetic nervous system or PNS. This fabulous piece of artwork is responsible for the “rest and digest” functions in the body. When we are in a PNS dominant state we sleep well, heal well and digest well. We respond instead of react and we recover quickly from the inevitable challenges life throws at us.

 The bit of new information that we are only just now understanding is that the PNS has two of its own branches, both are important but sometimes inappropriately used; I’m going to call them the “Connect” and the “Disconnect” branches. Both help slow and settle a frazzled system, but they do it in different ways.

 We are born with an undeveloped “Connect” branch, we need to build it from scratch. We build it through interaction with our environment – from the modelling of our primary caregivers, from their touch, facial expressions and tone of voice. When they smile and speak softly and calmly, we are soothed and settled and we start to internalize the belief that the world is safe and, as we grow up, we can calm ourselves and recover quickly from stressful events. Awesomely, it can be toned through activities such as meditation and other mind/body approaches (yoga, breath practices, chanting etc.) as well as building meaningful relationships (which, cruelly, can be hard if we have had an unsupportive environment in our childhood). If our primary caregivers were stressed out themselves, our own development of this calming, soothing “connect” branch may be compromised.

 The “Disconnect” branch of the PNS, also known as the “shutdown” branch is wired into us from birth, it is our “default mode” and evolution has shown us that it is necessary for our survival. When we cry as babies, and our cries are regularly not attended to - what do we do? We shutdown. We switch off and we go to sleep. Our Disconnect PNS comes in and short circuits our over-activated SNS (fight/flight or stress) in an effort to help us to survive. It is like our “off” switch. Having this “off” switch activated some of the time is no big deal, in fact, we want it to be on a little bit, but we certainly don’t want it to be the dominant branch of the PNS as we certainly don’t want to be switched “off” all the time. This is often referred to as the “freeze” response. Frozen is certainly what depression can feel like for many of us. When we are in this state, we stop thinking (we get a fuzzy head), feeling, tasting, smelling, digesting, connecting with others and we can tend to either under or over-sleep.

And that, my friends is why my dear old Dad has no conscious thoughts when he is clinically depressed.

The “Disconnect” branch of his PNS comes on and his system goes into “shutdown” and, as far as his unconscious mind and his beautiful body is concerned, this is an issue of life or death. After a period of intense stress, his body is trying to help him to get out of fight/flight by slamming on the “freeze” function – it is trying to help. And this has been his unconscious habit for around 76 years. He disconnects for his very survival. This is not his fault or his choice, his body chooses for him. It is like pressing the “eject” button of a crashing plane, he just leaves his body. His body has needed to choose for him to keep him safe while growing up with an anxious/angry father and then choosing (unconsciously of course) adult relationships that kept him in this state of fight/flight. Sadly, we seem to choose the familiar over the healthy. He was always loved but his system never felt safe. Not as a child and not as an adult.

 So, this is the missing piece to my puzzle. This information changed everything for me when it comes to understanding why anxiety and depression often go hand-in-hand and why cultivating a sense of connection is such a powerful ally on our journey to wellbeing.

 Cultivating a sense of connection is such a powerful ally on our mental health journey

So what can we do to support ourselves and our loved ones to build capacity to self-sooth through engaging the “Connect” side of the PNS? We can do a lot! It takes time to tone the nervous system, but it can be done. Here are some ideas that continue to help me and I am sharing with my clients (and my dear old Dad):

-       Mindfulness – we need to spend time getting to know ourselves, our mind, our body and our hearts. Mindfulness is the loving light of awareness and through simply paying clear and kind attention to our internal and external experiences, we can make wiser choices to support ourselves and manage our stress response (and perfectionistic tendencies…just as an example!). We can become aware of our automatic thoughts and start to disentangle these from our emotions and our bodies. We can start to live in the beauty of the present rather than be at the mercy of the memories of the past.

-       Meditate – we have the science now that shows us that meditation fundamentally changes the way our mind/body/heart function. It, of course is not a silver bullet but it is an important part to our healing as it supports us to create our own internal place of safety and connection, our own refuge from the inevitable storms of life. We can become our own friend and we can remember the strength and sovereignty that is our birthright.

-       Body practices – do what works for you and do it consciously; yoga, tai chi, swimming, running – we have to come back to the power of the body and start to listen to her whisper. We can learn from her wisdom and start to heal the patterns we may have learned or inherited that are no longer serving us.

-       Relationships – “Connection, the ability to feel connected, is neurobiologically wired, that is why we are here” (Brene Brown). The quality of our relationships is the strongest predictor of happiness and wellbeing for us humans. This has been well-documented many times over. We now know why; through the “connect” branch of the PNS, other humans soothe our frazzled nervous systems and bring our bodies/minds/hearts back into balance. We move from buzzy and fuzzy to clear, calm and connected. In this digital world, we MUST make time to cultivate love, belonging and connection.We can also create a sense of deep connection within ourselves through mindfulness, meditation and self-compassion practices.

Dad’s relationships have always been strong, he has swathes of friends as he is a beautiful human who is funny and smart and loving. These relationships continue to be important to him and I have no doubt have been a powerful medicine to him over the years. My deepest wish for him is that somehow, someday, he can feel self-love. A love deep in his bones and one day feel a deep sense of safety and peace.

 This article is the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more for all of us (me included!) to learn but what we can do NOW is practice. We can love ourselves and each other madly and deeply, we can remember we belong to something bigger than ourselves and that actually, at the end of the day connection is all that matters.

 Check out my free meditations on Insight Timer and the YOU ARE LOVED podcast (via Apple podcasts and Spotify) – reminding us all that love is always available to us, if only we stop and connect to it.

Italy, Reverse Culture Shock & The Power of Connection

When I was 19, I had the fabulously fortuitous experience of spending 6 months living in Italy. I ate, drank and tried to smoke (unsuccessfully!) like an Italian. Looking back, I am pretty sure I was depressed in my first month or so there, although we called it “culture shock” back then. I slept a hell of a lot and was desperately missing my friends, family and freedom (I was living with an Italian host family and went back to high-school, so had all of a sudden become a kid again). After a while though, I settled into life there and embraced the rich culture and incredible experiences Italy offered. Hello pasta, wine, gelato, midday naps and churches.  Hello soccer matches, Sunday strolls, handsome men and vespa rides!

When the 6 months was over, I was so looking forward to coming home, to going back to my Australian life, my car and my friends. However, upon my return, I realised that I had come back into my familiar environment as an entirely different person. I had changed and grown, and my regular life simply had not – I just didn’t fit anymore.

However, upon my return, I realised that I had come back into my familiar environment as an entirely different person. I had changed and grown, and my regular life simply had not – I just didn’t fit anymore.

After some research, I discovered the name of psychological experience I was having. It was called Reverse Culture Shock. “Reverse culture shock is the emotional and psychological distress suffered by some people when they return home after extensive time overseas. This can result in unexpected difficulty in readjusting to the culture and values of the home country, now that the previously familiar has become unfamiliar.”

I have been reflecting on this lately as, here in Victoria, we look towards Covid19 restrictions being lifted as we move out of lockdown and return to a more familiar way of life. I have this very odd internal conflict; I want the lockdown to lift but I am a little terrified of going back to “normal”.

I have this very odd internal conflict; I want the lockdown to lift but I am a little terrified of going back to “normal”.

After 6 months, we have all adapted to this once-strange way of life. A life that is slower and simpler. That is what we humans do so well, we adapt – even when the scenario we find ourselves in is not fun or even healthy. Collectively, we have been through such trauma this year, that we will be irrevocably changed – we will re-enter our once-familiar “normal”, but we will be different. Individually, each of us has faced our own challenges, with our own flavor of emotions ranging from grief to anger but always underpinned by fear.

My terror ranges from worrying about wearing pants with zips and buttons again, to fear around how I will re-establish my social life, to trepidation when I think about going back to the pace of pre-lockdown life with playdates and after-school activities and family catch ups and work travel. Of course, these fears are completely irrational but, fear can be like that. Fear can take hold of us and whisk us away in its dramatic dance and offer us the illusion of security and control. The truth is, we can’t control anything and, we never really could.

Fear can take hold of us and whisk us away in its dramatic dance and offer us the illusion of security and control. The truth is, we can’t control anything and, we never really could.

So, as we (ever so slowly) move towards a version of our “normal” lives, let’s be really gentle with ourselves and with each other. We have changed and grown over the past months (for better or for worse) and as such, the transition back into a version of pre-Covid life is likely to range from feeling shocking or depressing to simply a little uncomfortable, for many of us.

Let’s talk about our fears, as irrational and confusing as they may seem, for through sharing these confusing and conflicting experiences, we feel less alone. And once again, we remember that we belong to each other. We remember that we are, in fact, not crazy, we are just human. We are just beautiful humans trying to adapt and trying to make sense of a rather senseless world.

We remember that we are, in fact, not crazy, we are just human. We are just beautiful humans trying to adapt and trying to make sense of a rather senseless world.

Of course, at 19, I eventually re-adjusted to life here in Australia – where we don’t nap in the middle of the day or go for meandering strolls on a Sunday afternoon. I reintegrated back into my “normal” life. We, with kindness and patience and gentleness (and a touch of humour) will do the same as we enter this “Covid normal” world. Side by side (socially-distanced, of course).

Home Schooling - A Path to Enlightenment?

I have not liked most parts of home schooling.

This is mainly because the whole process has tugged on all of my perfectionistic and people-pleasing neuroses and lay them out for the world (and myself and my kids) to see. This only occurred to me while I was feverishly posting evidence of my grade 1s activity on the school app and then checking constantly as to whether the teacher had “liked” it. Oh my goodness. I am not in grade 1, why do I care what Catherine (teacher) thinks of me? Why do I care what anyone thinks of me?

I have come to believe that the only thing that really matters is what I think of me.

I feel like the last 3 months of my life have required me to dig very deep into my self-care, insight & emotional management tool kits, not to mention my interpersonal tools. It is like I have been on a very long, not-self-imposed Zen retreat. With a slightly irritable and irrational grade 1 Zen master whipping me as I climb a very tall mountain, in the rain, naked. THAT is how hard it has been, so so many opportunities for insight and development and so so many opportunities for crumbling into a puddle of frustrated and angry goop, right here on the kitchen floor. Of course, in reality, most of the time, it was my own dear mind who was the old Zen master. Dammit, those realisations hurt.

Someone asked me the other day “how is home schooling going?” I paused, she jumped in and said, “I am sure there are some lovely bits”. My response was a very definite “no, there have been not been many lovely bits, I have actually dreaded most mornings at 9am when we are supposed to start ‘school’. I have had to constantly check myself as to whether I am going too hard or too soft, I have had to constantly remember what really matters at the end of all this (mental health and connection!)  and I am currently measuring the success of my days in terms of whether I killed or divorced anyone”. She was silent (and perhaps a little shocked) and she finally said, “oh well, at least you’re honest”. I could tell she was a little disappointed that I wasn’t more up-beat about the whole thing, I mean, I am a psychologist and meditation teacher after all – aren’t I supposed to be positive? Or at least have my shit together?

I have spent a great portion of my life not being honest about my feelings and, pretending to have my shit together. As women, and especially as mothers, society demands us to be smiling and grateful and to just get on with it. Of course, I am grateful, my life is awesome but, that does not diminish my pain and discomfort. In fact, I have now come to believe that pain and discomfort is necessary for us to truly grow into who we are supposed to be. And that all of this avoiding of pain and discomfort does us as a massive disservice. We then pass down this way of seeing and being to our kids, which, in turn does them a massive disservice. We gotta teach ourselves (and our kids) how to ride the pain and discomfort that comes with being a fully functioning human, not how to hide it and especially not how to fix it.

 I think this starts when we are little girls, when we are taught to be nice and quiet and pretty and well-behaved. We swallow down our feelings (unless of course they are the “positive” ones like happiness and joy) and eventually, they lodge themselves in our bodies. The mind/body connection is alive and well here, I can assure you. Our anger or fear or shame sits in our gut, churning, churning, churning – largely unacknowledged or unexpressed. Angry women are dismissed as aggressive or neurotic, or lesbian (as if that were an insult).

If we do somehow manage to keep a lid on it, sometimes these emotions seep out, trickling and whirling as insecurities or irritability or unexplainable tears. We wonder why rates of burn-out, anxiety, depression and autoimmune disease are higher in women!

As my sister in law pointed out to me the other day, women are the biggest losers in this global pandemic. Women make up most of the part time or less-skilled workforce and they are largely the ones who have lost their jobs due to the economic crunch we all find ourselves in. They are also largely the ones who have been tasked with homeschooling the kids, putting their careers on hold, once again (and having the Zen-retreat-like experience described above). Please be assured this is not having a go at men. Men are bloody awesome, it is not their fault that we all live in a largely patriarchal society set up by and for men. However, is sure as hell is their responsibility to be aware of what is happening here and, to step in to support and work with the women in their lives, at home and at work.

And so, this is why I am so passionate about running my #mindfulwoman meditation classes every week via zoom. It is an opportunity for women to come together to support and grow and rediscover their awesomeness.  The awesomeness that may have been stifled by society and/or the way they were raised (no fault passing or blame here – just an acknowledgement of reality). No competing, no pretending, no fake smiling or “I’m fine – how are you?”. Just us. As we are. Passionate. Smart. Funny. Whole. Human.

And so, home-schooling ends for some of us next week. However, I know that life will continue to throw me many more opportunities for development and growth. That is what life does. Life wants us to grow into who we are supposed to be, not what we have been told we should be. One thing I am not supposed to be for sure, is a primary school teacher, especially not to my own kids.

Thanks for the memories home schooling, smell ya later!

Coming Home to Myself

WHILE MEDITATION CAN OFFER US CLARITY AND CALM, CONNECTION IS ITS GREATEST GIFT

 Let’s be honest. Most of us start meditating to fix ourselves – in some way.

 To fix our stress, our sleeplessness, our over-eating, over-spending. To perhaps fill that hole in the pit of our stomach that yells at us “you are not enough, you need to do more”.

When we approach our meditation this way, it becomes just another thing on our endless “to do” list. Another thing we “should” do to live well and be happy. What if we changed this? What if we looked at meditation as an opportunity to nourish ourselves? As a gift to ourselves (and the world). As an opportunity to find out what we are really about and then to live from a place of greater compassion and wisdom……..

 As I have written and spoken about before, I was a resentful meditator. It was just another thing I felt I should be doing and another thing I could beat myself up about for not doing. I was simply bringing the same approach to meditation as the one I had been practicing all my life. Work hard. Don’t give up. Do it properly. Achieve and ultimately, win. I fell in love with mindfulness as a technique because it offered me the possibility that actually, I didn’t need to fix anything, do anything, achieve anything.

However, over the years of teaching and yes, “selling” this technique, I have noticed the promises I have made my students and clients. Yes, your concentration and productivity will likely improve (clarity) and yes, your stress levels will likely reduce, and your sleep will improve (calm). These are clearly great benefits and we all need more of these in our modern life of 24/7 stimulation. To be honest though, for me, the greatest gift of mindfulness and meditation, has been a sense of befriending myself, a sense of coming home (this, my friends, is connection).

 Before I started on this journey, I wasn’t even aware of my internal critic – she had always been there, spewing a constant barrage of orders. Setting goals and demanding achievements – to demonstrate my worth to myself and the world. It was only when I sat down and started to watch the activity of my mind that I was able to notice her, my very own drill sergeant.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this drill sergeant of mine has been incredibly helpful. She has pushed me to work hard when I wanted to give up. As an adolescent, she stood by my bed at 5am encouraging me to get up for swimming training, reminding me that I needed to beat my arch enemies – Penny and Lauren. As a young adult studying psychology, it was probably her that got me through the statistics at university. As a new mother, she was the one demanding I get up for the 400th time in one night. The thing is however, her constant commands about having to do and be more, caused me to leave myself, over and over again. I believed that joy and peace and happiness and perfection could not possibly be residing within me. I had to go out and search for it in other places – in jobs or clothes or friends or food. I left myself and my own heart over and over and over again. As a result, I had nowhere to belong and nowhere to rest.

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong. You will always find it because you've made that your mission. Stop scouring people's faces for evidence that you're not enough. You will always find it because you've made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don't negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”

Brene Brown – Braving the Wilderness

Mindfulness and meditation continue to help me to come back home, back to my true self, back to my heart. I am reminded to connect to something greater than my internal drill sergeant (she is still there but just doesn’t drive the bus as much as she used to!) and to value myself as a perfectly imperfect human. For me, this is indeed a daily practice and one I now enjoy and look forward to.

So, if you are looking to start or deepen your own meditation and mindfulness practice, pay attention to your attitude, pay attention to your expectations and pay attention to the promises the teacher makes. The clarity and the calm may arrive and hallelujah for those, but it is the connection that we can never unlearn or un-feel, it is the coming home that we will carry with us forever.

Connection to Ourselves and Each Other

WHY WE WANT IT, WHY WE ARE NOT GETTING IT AND HOW TO GET MORE OF IT

“We are neurobiologically wired for connection”
Dr Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness, 2018

We will go to almost any lengths to feel connected to something - anything. If our relationships with ourselves and others are unsatisfying we may search for it in other ways – through alcohol, drugs, food (especially chocolate), shopping or social media. The communities that may have traditionally offered us this connection have all but gone. Our neighbourhoods have changed – fences are higher, people are busier, and fear is rampant.  Perhaps it used to be the church that offered a sense of belonging, then maybe we looked to corporations to provide that community for us. Now, for many of us, the very human face to face connection we all crave has been replaced by the unfulfilling vortex of social media. On the surface, we are “more connected” than we ever have been, however the flimsy tech-enabled lure of “Instabook” often leaves us feeling more unsatisfied and lonelier than ever. It is no surprise that rates of depression and anxiety are increasing (WHO, 2014), as we become more and more reliant on technology and less and less connected to ourselves and each other.

Working in mental health and wellbeing for over 20 years has been one of the most rewarding and challenging parts of my life. When I reflect on the hundreds of individuals and organisations with whom I have worked, connection has been the most pivotal component in predicting the efficacy of our work together. Our ability to connect with ourselves and each other appears to be one of the most important skills we can learn and something we need to consciously foster in our world if we are to tackle the mental health crisis we are facing.

The concept of connection officially revealed itself to me as I was attempting to efficiently “package up” the clear benefits of mindfulness. I came up with three: Clarity, Calm and Connection. The first two were really obvious and scientifically validated hundreds of times over. Mindfulness helps us to think more clearly, to focus more effectively, to be more creative and to chill out. The Connection piece was more nebulous and less discussed but at the same time, possibly the most profound shift I personally experienced as a result of my own mindfulness and meditation practise.

Connection has two components; connection to ourselves and connection to others. Both are important. Connection to ourselves sounds like it belongs in a sentence with “peace, love and mung beans”, let me flesh it out a bit for you.

Connection to Ourselves

We may as well get to know ourselves (and dare I say, like ourselves), we are with us every day and every night whether we like it or not, it seems wise to spend some time investing in this relationship. The crazy thing is, few of us have any idea how to do it – and, if you are anything like me, we don’t even know that it is an option. This is where our mindfulness and meditation practice can come in. Through our meditation we start to learn and really understand that what makes us “us” is something bigger and more powerful than our thoughts and emotions or even our body, intellect or personality. It is that ineffable part of us that is always there, always steady, always calm. It can become the warm embrace of our very own best friend, there with us all the time.

For many of us, this deeper part within us has been forsaken for others’ beliefs and opinions and sometimes even values and goals. We think the voice in our head is actually our voice but, we may find that it is often that of (often well meaning) primary care-givers, ancestors or even society itself.

The following section of Mary Oliver’s poem “The Journey” describes this beautifully:

……….but little by little,
As you left their voices behind,
The stars began to burn
Through the sheets of clouds,
And there was a new voice
Which you slowly recognized as your own,
That kept you company
As you strode deeper and deeper
Into the world,
Determined to do
The only thing you could do-
Determined to save the only life you could save

Over our journey into adulthood, we have often so habitually abandoned ourselves, that we don’t even know who we are anymore. We can’t hear our own voice for all the chatter from friends, family and society – all telling us who we should be and what we should have. We chase the next “shiny thing” in the hope that will finally make us happy when in fact it can do quite the opposite, as the goal posts seem to always be changing. Johan Hari, in his excellent book “Lost Connections”, 2018, discusses the tendency many of us have to adopt “junk values”. He argues that it is in fact our pursuit of goals such as wealth, fame and beauty that can contribute to our rising states of depression and anxiety and he suggests that we take time to discover our personal value system, rather than simply slipping on any old one “Instabook” or the Kardashians happen to be selling that week.

Connection to Others

 Of course, once we realise that we are not our thoughts (or body or emotions etc.) we may start to entertain the possibility that actually, we are connected to everything and everyone around us. We are an integral part of the hum of the human race, we are one little thread in the tapestry. My breath is your breath – we share this experience of being human. We have evolved as social beings, we need each other to survive – we even have an entire part of the brain dedicated to attachment and relationships. Johan Hari suggests that rates of depression and anxiety are increasing not because we “have broken brains” but because we are “animals whose needs are not being met”. Global levels of loneliness are rising (Brown, 2018) – we must find our way back to each other.

In 2015 I was part of a team to set up a yoga, meditation and fitness studio. We studiously did all of our planning and market research, we knew meditation was the next big thing in the wellbeing space. We created out muse and developed our brand, we fitted out the studio and recruited our team. We thought we were setting up a wellbeing studio – it turns out however, the reception area (where we served complimentary tea and bubbly water) was the most frequented room in the studio – our guests were simply desperate to connect. We had set up a Connection Studio.

 Since 2013 I have offered a range of workshops to my corporate clients. At one time – there were three on the “menu”; Clarity (problem solving, decision making & creativity), Calm (stress management) and Connection (leadership, teamwork & compassion). Overwhelmingly, my clients chose the third workshop – even though they did not quite have the words to describe it – they sensed connection was what their organisation was hungry for and they were always right.

Imagine if we could get out of our own way enough to authentically connect with other people in our lives – at work, at home, and in our communities. We could simply start by putting down our devices and looking people in the eye. Consider the positive impact we could have in our pursuits to care for the environment with more wisdom when we really understand, on a deep and personal level that we are living in an intricate and vulnerable system and that our very survival depends on our behaviour.

“Connection” will be the word for 2019/20 – I can feel it in my bones.

Mindfully Mum

FINDING CLARITY, CALM AND CONNECTION WITHIN THE CHAOS OF MOTHERHOOD

Originally posted 2016

Becoming a mother was one of the most exciting and challenging roles I had ever accepted.
The job ad read a little something like this:

“Are you in your 30s, in a serious relationship, already have a dog and looking for the next step?
Join our growing organization and find your real purpose!

We are seeking capable, intelligent and loving women to join our flourishing group. You will have some prior experience with children and relatively strong pelvic floor muscles.

You will be rewarded with long, warm snuggles, unconditional love and affection and a sweet smelling sleepy baby. You will enjoy shopping for cute baby clothes, knowing smiles from strangers and compliments on the cuteness of your offspring.

You will experience satisfaction from your new role and will feel fulfilled and challenged. Working hours are flexible and uniform typically consists of yoga pants and baggy t-shirts.

Apply at applications@mummeup.com.au”

And for some women, the reality of the role may, in fact be very close to the job ad. For me, they were quite different…… Yes, there were (and still are) occasional long snuggles and some shopping for cute baby clothes and there are absolutely elements of satisfaction and intense meaning that this role has brought to my life. However, the flexible working hours did not turn out to be quite as flexible as originally promised and my manager (the child, not the husband) seemed to be very unpredictable, totally incapable of taking accountability for his actions and very unsure of what he really wants! Not to mention the tears (from everyone) and the feelings of loss of identity, loneliness and life focus. Questions like “who am I now that I am a mother?” “when will I ever have time for myself?” “How does she manage to do it all and I can barely manage a shower?” and “Am I doing this right?” made regular appearances in the chatter of my mind. Thank goodness I discovered mindfulness, just in time. Just as I was becoming completely disengaged and a little resentful, mindfulness reached out and tickled my curiosity. It may have just saved me from losing all of my marbles…

MIndfulness - The definition

The formal definition of mindfulness is “Moment to moment, non-judgmental awareness” (Jon Kabat-Zinn) but I quite like to think of it as “being open and curious to what is actually happening, rather than what we think is happening”. As mothers we tend to spend a lot of time thinking about what is happening, rather than taking part in what is happening. It is this constant chatter of our very busy minds that can get us into trouble and distract us from engaging wholly in our own lives.

Mindfulness is a skill that can be learnt by anyone. It is nurtured simply by paying attention with an open and accepting approach. It involves removing our judgment (black and white thinking – good mum/bad mum etc) and applying the compassion and acceptance we may typically reserve for other, to ourselves. Sounds simple hey? And it is but simple doesn’t mean easy.

Nurturing this skill takes practice and commitment as we are literally rewiring our brain. We are gaining insight into our thought patterns and habits and deciding whether they are useful for us now in our current lives and in our current roles. Through this process we introduce the element of CHOICE to our experience and bring a greater degree of clarity, calm and connection into our existence.

Our mindfulness skills can be developed through formal practices such as meditation, yoga or relaxation exercises or informal practices such as simply paying attention to what we are doing. We can fold laundry mindfully, we can brush our teeth mindfully, we can listen and engage with our kids mindfully, we can even wipe their little butts with awareness! Research tells us “a wandering mind is an unhappy mind” so our task is to reign in this wandering animal and use it for good rather than allowing it to use us for evil (such as freaking out because the nappy is not on perfectly straight!).

So how does performance in the motherhood role look when we approach it with a greater degree of mindfulness? By simply bringing awareness to both our internal (thoughts and feelings) and external (behaviors) experiences, we can examine them with more clarity and make the executive decision as to whether they are contributing positively to our existence. Are they enhancing our relationships or slowly destroying them? Are they boosting our self-esteem or stripping them? And ultimately, are they contributing to our happiness?

Tips for finding more clarity, calm and connection

1 The “Now What?” Meditation Inspired by Denise Roy (Momfulness)

You know those times you are trying to get your kid in the car, running late for a meeting and still trying to eat your toast and your kid decides he would prefer to sit in the front seat rather than his seat in the back? It is during these times that this practice is particularly useful. All it takes is three mindful breaths.

1. First Breath – connect with your internal strength and ground yourself (stop the crazy spinning thoughts!)
2. Second Breath – tune into your kid – what is going on for them? Are they tired, hungry, not wanting to go to school today?
3. Third Breath – Ask yourself – now what? How do I need to be in this moment? What is going to help me here?

2 R . A . I . N

This is a handy practice to use when you feel like you have lost many of your marbles and would quite like to gain a little more clarity and perspective in a situation you are finding stressful. It is a four-step approach and uses the acronym R.A.I.N:

R – Recognize your experience (“ah…I am feeling anxious”) Where am I feeling it in my body? how do I know I am anxious?
A – Allow it to be (“hello anxiety my old friend”) Can you breathe into it and allow more space for it to be there? can you let go of any belief that this feeling is bad or wrong?
I – Investigate the possible learnings (“what are you telling me anxiety?”). This stage is REALLY important, it may be here you gather more information about your values or even your own personal childhood traumas that have triggered you. This is not just a “head thing”, we are not just thinking about it, we need to tune into our body here. This takes practice and meditation is a great place to do that.
N – Non-attachment and Nurture (“I know I am feeling anxious but it is just a feeling and it does not need to overwhelm me as I know it will pass”) and then we show ourselves some loving attention: “I know this is hard darling, I know you are trying your best”, this can be facilitated by stopping, breathing deeply (especially elongating the exhalation) and putting our hand firmly but softly on our heart area (giving ourselves and our body a little loving snuggle).

Hopefully these tips will bring more clarity, calm and connection to your role as a mum. It is a wonderful job and we are incredibly lucky and blessed to have been successful in our application and as long as we don’t let our minds (and all of the expectations, worries and irrational beliefs) run the show – I believe we can continue to find meaning, satisfaction and fulfillment, even in the sleep deprived chaos of it all!