A couple of weeks ago, feeling a bit overwhelmed and frustrated with the daily grind of parenting, I stepped outside for a breather (and to escape my kids for a moment TBH!).

As I wandered through the front garden, I spotted an unfamiliar vine creeping through my plants. It was weaving its way around the rose bush, curling into the mint, and starting to mingle with the young passionfruit vine. Naturally, as any amateur gardener (looking to avoid reentering the chaos inside the house) would do, I grabbed my trusty secateurs and began trimming this unruly invader. In my gardening frenzy, I energetically unwound it from the rose, snipped it from the mint, and detached it from the passionfruit vine.

As I worked, dusk began to fall, and I didn’t realize that my ability to distinguish between the weed and the passionfruit vine was quickly fading. Just as I finished my weeding task and prepared to head back inside, I spotted one more sprouting weed out of the corner of my eye. Without thinking, I leaned over and yanked it out. Only then did I realize, to my horror, that I had removed the wrong plant. In my haste, I had ripped out an entire, newly sprouting passionfruit vine!

The experience reminded me of a metaphor often used when discussing mental health – that of gardening.

The idea is that our minds are like gardens: we reap what we sow, and whatever we feed, we grow.

We can choose to uproot unhelpful thoughts and beliefs and "plant" more beneficial ones through practices like gratitude or positive affirmations.

While these practices have been incredibly powerful in my own life, and in the lives of many of my clients, I began to wonder if we may be missing an important step.

Just like I carelessly pulled out the passionfruit vine in the dark, we might sometimes be rushing to "weed" our minds without fully understanding what’s growing there. It’s crucial to first get to know the landscape of our inner world before we start removing things. To truly discern which thoughts and beliefs are helpful and which aren’t, we need to see them clearly—and ideally, with compassion. We may find that many of those "unhelpful" thoughts were once there for a reason and may have served us in the past. This realisation can build deep inner trust and authentic connection.

This is where mindfulness meditation comes in.

It’s a brilliant complement to talk therapy because it helps us observe our thoughts with awareness and kindness, allowing us to see the intricate, sometimes messy workings of our minds.

When we shine a light on our mental landscape, we can make wiser, more compassionate choices about which thoughts and emotions to nurture, which to release, and which to reframe.

So, if you think meditation is only for stressed people, think again. Meditation is for everyone. It builds self-awareness and equips us to navigate both our inner and outer worlds with greater clarity and ease. With this clarity, we can mindfully weed out what no longer serves us and nourish the thoughts and beliefs that can help us grow and heal.

And on that note, I’m off to tend to my poor passionfruit vine, still recovering from its unwarranted trauma caused in a moment of mindlessness.

Meditation and Mindfulness alone is NOT ENOUGH to get us through Covid19, but it sure can help……

The demon, standing at the old door, wailing that it needed it’s fix. It just didn’t want to be tamed. A warrior woman, wielding her sword, standing her ground and owning her power. She struggled and fought with the demon as he tried to wrestle the sword from her grasping hands. All of a sudden, her years of mindfulness training clicked in, the haze lifted, the stories stopped and her presence became broad and open. She could see what was really happening.

A mother, frustrated at her failed attempts to cut, yet another deal, with her 6-year-old to do his damn writing task. A child who just wanted to play one more (educational?) game on the device with which he had become obsessed. A desktop computer flailing in the doorway, uncertain of where it belonged. All of them upset and definitely not being their best-selves. Especially the computer, I mean, what is a desktop computer when not on top of a desk?

The warrior mother was me, the demon 6-year-old was my youngest son.

After the computer wrestling escapade, and my son and I had calmed down and apologized for our behaviour, I reflected. And I called my mates to hear their similar tales of iso insanity (isoanity?) and I jumped onto social media to see what everyone else was up to (I have a social media feed that I have carefully curated to nourish, not undermine, my happiness) and this is what I learned:

We are all struggling (to different degrees for sure), teaching our kids at home is really bloody hard
We are all tired and we have no idea why – we are confused, we aren’t doing much but we are so tired – what is wrong with us?
Some of us cry, periodically through the day – for us, for our kids, for our world and we are too embarrassed to ask if others are crying too
As women, we find ourselves back in the home, after pushing and dreaming and trying so damn hard to leave it – some of us are resentful and frustrated – where have our careers gone? Where is our freedom? Why must we swallow our passions to make way for maths lessons? Why is it us who have to put our lives on hold - yet again?

This is what I know:

If you are experiencing it, there is an incredibly high chance other people are too. We are not all that different, you and I. Tell someone.
We have the option to revisit our expectations and standards. We can ask “do the rules and norms that were in our families 6 weeks ago (pre-Covid19) still apply?” I mean, these are exceptional times, surely, we can make exceptions to some rules? Which rules or expectations do you need to review or tweak?
When we are stuck in struggle town – one of the worst things we can do is fight it, one of the best things we can do is accept it. When we accept it, we get bigger than it, when we get bigger than it, we stop merging with it and we can, once again, access the wise part of our beautiful human brains (where we house our sense of humour, our creativity, our joy and our capacity for connection and gratitude).
We are tired because worry and grief and trauma are tiring, so is anger. Big emotions are tiring, fighting big emotions is even more tiring. Can we find ways to express how we are feeling? Call someone to chat about it, write about it in a journal, meditate on it – do anything that works to remember we are not the emotion and that we are bigger and wiser than it. Don’t just bury it because life is messy with big emotions. Life is messy full stop. And the messiness levels have risen exponentially right now, let’s not deny it. Let the emotion out (perhaps just leave the desktop computers plugged into the wall – its better that way, take it from me). And nap, please take naps. Put the kids in front of the TV and nap.
Women, by and large, are the ones taking on the “home schooling” and extended parenting responsibilities right now and no, this is not fair. However, this is where we find ourselves and the more of us who speak up and express how we feel the more likely things will start to change. Men are good, men love us and want to help us, we just need to teach them how. This is all new for them too. We have to start in our own homes if we want to change a culture. This is a damn big ship to turn around but we gotta start. Connect with other women (you could do that at my weekly Mindful Woman zoom classes). Support your sisters – we are stronger and braver when we are together – even via zoom.
We need to dig deep on all of our self-care resources now, just the bare minimum will not cut it:

o drag out the yoga mat and do some online classes,

o grab an app to learn or revamp your meditation practice (go to the resources page for tips),

o get out and exercise for 20-30 mins every day (even if that means doing star jumps or squats on your balcony),

o write a list of 3 things you are grateful for (sounds poxy but we have the science to prove it works),

o eat fresh nourishing food,

o communicate with your team (family and friends) about how you are feeling and what you need.

And finally, know when you need extra help from a psychologist or counsellor and go to the GP and get the damn referral. Remember, self-care is not weak or selfish, it allows us to be our best selves (and potentially leave computers in their rightful homes!).

We can do this, I know we can. But let’s please be kind to ourselves and each other (hint: meditation can help build our kindness muscles). And let’s, for goodness sake, lower our expectations of ourselves and each other. This will all pass and when it does, we want all of our relationships to be intact – they will be important to support us as we re-enter the world and go around madly hugging everyone.

PS. You know that all of the tips in this blog are for me just as much as you – right? As the saying goes, we teach what we need to learn!!! And the learning continues……

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