But She Can Do It

COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHER WOMEN CAN STEAL OUR JOY AND MAKE BURN OUT FEEL EVEN WORSE

 Last night I caught up with a dear friend. She was telling me all about how busy and full her life is and in the next breath, described the panic attack she had had only days earlier. Waking up at 3am, unable to breathe and feeling as if she were dying. Now this woman is amazing, strong, funny, smart, a mum and highly respected in her industry. We were at a bar, it wasn’t time for therapy and deep soul searching but the thing she said that got me thinking and really prompted me to write this blog was:

 “If she can do it, why can’t I?”

I remember having that thought, several times, just before I burnt out. I remember having that thought, several times, as I lay in bed, completely exhausted feeling not only like a failure because I “couldn’t do it” but feeling like failure because “she could”. That was me, 4 years ago.

Burn out can look a little different for everyone, but for most of us, it looks a little something like this:

·      Feeling drained, unable to cope or tired for no apparent reason

·      Headaches or digestive problems (can lead to weight loss)

·      Feeling disengaged at work or just not caring as much as you used to

·      Feeling irritable or even angry with your work colleagues/family

·      Disrupted sleep

Of course, if these symptoms persist for longer than a few weeks, it might be worth going to see your GP and working with them to determine whether you may benefit from a referral to a psychologist or psychotherapist. You could also check in with your organisation’s EAP provider (if they have one) for some additional support. We belong to each other and we do not have to go alone through this tough stuff that can come with being a feeling or sensitive human.

Over the past 4 years I have really deeply enquired into what happened for me when I burnt out, where did I get it so very wrong?

This is what I have learned:

We are all put together differently – we absolutely cannot compare ourselves to another person with any amount of validity. Us humans are so damn complex. We not only have all of our genetics and childhood experiences that have gone into making us into the women we are, there is also a whole lot of other stuff we are not aware of such as epigenetic trauma/emotions or even past life memories. As a result, each of us will have our very own and very unique recipe of wellbeing and success. The trick here is to slow down, listen, and stay in your own lane. We need to stop competing and comparing and just “do us”.

Play to our Strengths – we each have a unique set of strengths that make us excel in the workplace. Now the strengths I am referring to here are not just things we are good at but things that we like and that nourish us as well. Often, we find we may start to head towards burn out if we are playing outside of our strengths too often, doing work that we may excel at but that doesn’t naturally fill us up. You can check out the work of my friend Nikki Smith with whom I worked to learn more about my strengths. Nikki works with the Gallup Strengths Finder and leads her clients through developing a career that is more strengths based.

Connect to and listen to our Values – “The most important thing, is to remember the most important thing” (Suzuki Roshi). So what is that for you? What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to be living? So few of us have ever had the opportunity to take the time to really reflect on our values. Because of that we often adopt others’ values and try to fit our beautiful selves into them and then wonder why it just doesn’t feel right in our body, heart or minds. Do your own values audit and consider what is your most important thing.

Define Success – In the depths of burn out, I was moaning to a friend “but I just want to have a successful career”, she asked me, “But Liv, what does success look like?” I started reeling off the typical characteristics of success that I thought were universal, you know: “to be well-respected” and “to make good money”, my friend looked at my wryly and she said (she’s also a psychologist) “is that really it? Isn’t it more about helping people in our line of work?” and the words “yes, yes” spilled out of my mouth and I could feel my heart opening and my body softening…she followed up with the next question “do you think you have ever helped anyone?” and my clear answer was “absolutely!”. Then the crazy and incredibly freeing realisation dawned on me “MAYBE I HAVE ALREADY HAD A SUCCESSFUL CAREER and I can stop trying so bloody hard now!”. That was a massive “ah ha” moment for me. So my question for you is, what does success look like for YOU? Not your parents or your cool friend or you school mates, you!

Honour our Body – Our body knows what is going on and some argue it has direct access to the deeper layers of our being, our soul and our life’s purpose.  It is trying desperately, often daily, to give us these clear messages, helping us to get back on track and follow the right path. That squeezing in the heart, that knot in the belly, they are messages to be noted and explored, not sensations to be repressed and simply breathed through (or brushed over with meditation!). Of course, for some of us, these feelings are remnants of unresolved trauma or something much deeper which may need to be addressed with medication or some form of psychotherapy. These more chronic issues aside, for many of us, we really do need to learn to listen to the whispers of our body and honour her messages.

 Put our Own Gas Mask on First – As women, we are trained to put everyone else before ourselves. We rush to work, we rush to pick up, we rush to the supermarket, we even rush in and out of yoga class (if we manage to prioritise the time to go!). Dr Libby Weaver refers to this pattern that is all too familiar as “Rushing Women’s Syndrome” and she purports that this (along with many other factors of course) is contributing to the rise in rates of depression, anxiety and chronic illness in women. Our bodies (that haven’t changed all that much since we were cave women) just can’t keep up. When we are unwell, we are of no help to others. Please, take some time to ask yourself – how can I keep myself well and balanced so I can better contribute to my family, my workplace or my community? Is there a way I can be setting firmer boundaries so others in my life (partners, friends and children included!) are clear of what is OK and what is not OK when it comes to how they treat me?

Review your Environment and Set Boundaries – Getting to burn out, usually takes two, both us and the organisations/group we work/live in. So, take some time to consider, are the requests being made of you realistic? Or do you need to set firmer boundaries? Are you working in an organisation that actually aligns to your values or are you being asked (usually covertly) to compromise these? Take some time to truthfully determine whether you are happy in the role/organisation you are in and if not, review your options.

Summary - Questions to Ask Ourselves

·   What is my personal recipe for wellbeing? What do I need in my day/week to be full of energy and thriving?

·   What are my strengths and how much time am I spending playing to them?

·   What are my values? Are my values aligned with the organisation I am working with?

·   What is my definition of success?

·   What is my body trying to tell me?

·   Can I reframe self-care to become important so I can better serve others (rather than a selfish activity)?

·   How can I set firmer boundaries, so others are clear when it comes to how I need to be treated?

Finally, burn out is absolutely not your fault so please do to put a layer of self-criticism over yourself for already feeling exhausted. Burn out is simply very useful information that perhaps there are some tweaks that need to be made to the way we are living and the way we are valuing ourselves and our time. And please, let’s stop comparing ourselves to our sisters, especially when we are not coping. Comparison of course can be inspiring and can help us to grow and learn if used wisely. It can point us in a direction we may want to go and give us tips when it comes to setting and achieving our career goals. However, very often “it can be the thief of joy” (Theodore Roosevelt) and you know what, there are enough very real joy thieves in our lives, let’s not add another one unnecessarily.

Wonder Women

THE ROLE OF MINDFULNESS AND MEDITATION IN SUPPORTING WOMEN TO BE EVEN MORE WONDERFUL

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Modern women are just amazing. This is the first generation we have been told we can have it all – we can step up and have our fathers’ successes BUT we need to still maintain our mothers’ responsibilities (ref. Dr Libby Weaver). As a result, we are working tirelessly from the minute we wake up to breakfast to children to work to children to dinner and then often to work again on the couch with a heat bag and a cup of tea…we then fall into bed exhausted at night and get back up again to do it all again the next day. 

Dr Libby Weaver has come up with a syndrome to describe the lifestyle of the modern woman – she calls it “Rushing Women’s Syndrome” – where we are dragged from one demand to the next – not even allowing ourselves time out to do nothing in the car or on the train or bus – using that time to make phone calls, answer emails or listen to the latest podcasts.

Now, some of us can do this. There are some true wonder women who can and do, do it all with some ease. There are even some, I am sure, who love the busy and frenetic life they have. However, the vast majority and certainly the women I seem to meet in my line of work, are only just keeping it all together, but the cracks are starting to show: they are not sleeping well, their temper is flaring, they are moving further and further away from their partners or they are getting sick more and more often…..

 So what is going on?

The current climate is a result of so many factors, here are a few:

Feminism - It is a result of the great successes of feminism (while there is obviously still a long way to go when it comes to equality in many areas) that women are now sitting in boardrooms and running companies and even countries. Hooray for this, about time.

Technology - broadly has a lot to answer for – the fact that there is no clear division between work and home these days has helped to create an ongoing cycle of a 24/7 need to respond and deliver. We never really “go home” anymore – we are always “on” and for those of us who need to take some down time, it just is not there organically anymore.

Social Media – the habitual and mindless competition and comparison of what women are doing and how they are succeeding is RIGHT there – right in our face while we are sitting at home in our stained tracksuit pants with chocolate dripping down our chin, already feeling less than glamorous – only to have her there in her fab Prada suit and red lippy and then that little voice echoes to us “why cant I have that, be that, earn that?”

No Family or Village - The breakdown of the family system and the “village” means we are relying more and more these days on paid childcare of some kind to look after our kids – with that comes very little flexibility so when kids get sick or the date for a client’s workshop changes, it takes more effort to juggle everything.

 So, in summary, we are doing more, more often and with much less support than previous generations. Our beautiful bodies and minds just can’t keep up with this pace and something has to give. Often, sadly it is our health – be it mental or physical – or both.

In 2013, I was part of the team to set up Australia’s first mind and body studio, I went into partnership with 4 amazing people and we worked hard to set up a “mindfulness studio” where we offered mindfulness based yoga, fitness and meditation. We opened in April 2015 and were voted one of the best studios in Australia within months of opening, we were ON FIRE! The catch was that it was a 7 day a week business and, given I was the mindfulness and meditation partner and this was very new to Melbourne back in 2015, the workload was unforgiving. Now, I was terrible at setting boundaries and saying no… so I just kept taking on more and more and saying yes to more and more….all the while…my brain AND my body was talking too me….the thoughts were “Liv, this is too much, you need to slow down, you haven’t seen your kids in a week….” but, as I became so adept at managing my thoughts, I would “notice the thought and let it go”…what I didn’t do, was FEEL into my body, until it was too late. I completely burnt out and ended up in bed by Oct 2015. In Jan 2016, I listened to my heart and my body and decided to leave the partnership as I couldn't give the business what it needed and still be the present and engaged parent I wanted to be. It was the hardest decision I have ever made but, my body and my heart thank me every day – my ego is still recovering though….

What I learnt:

 Mindfulness and meditation are important but they are not all we need to be doing to look after ourselves in the current climate – we still need to exercise – often, we still need to see our girlfriends and we still need to sit down and eat (at least one meal a day!) to really get the nutrients out of our food.

 I needed to reconnect with my body – to listen to my gut and my intuition and treat myself like a “whole person” – not just a brain and then a body that is dragged around after it.

 So what do we need to do? 

1. Set firm boundaries

We need to stop saying “yes” to everything, we need to stop seeking approval of others and we need to stop, listen to our gut and from that place that is deep and strong within us – we need to say “no, thank you, but no”. This is new for many of us, as girls, we were never taught to listen to our own inner voice – we were taught to be quiet, to be pretty, to be polite and to seek approval.

2. Change the rules

This is brand new territory for all of us, we ALL (women and men) need to make it OK for men to pick up more of the family and domestic duties. We need to sit down as a family and divide the tasks – rather than leaving it all to the woman to manage. The other mummies in the park or at kinder need to include the daddies in the play dates and invite them over for afternoon tea too.

3. Stop Competing and Comparing and instead Connect and Collaborate

As humans, we part of us is wired to compete and compare, it has held us in good stead as far as our survival as a species goes however, these days with the added impact of social media, we may need to work at tempering this a little bit. What has happened to the sisterhood girls? We need to ask our friends and family for help, we need to reconnect with our community.

 4. Fall in love with ourselves again

We need to learn to trust ourselves again and maybe if we trust a little more we can try a little less. We can stop seeking approval from others and simply do our work and then step back. All of this trying is totally exhausting.

5. We need to let go of our own vision of ourselves as wonder woman

As I was sharing the outline for this article with my husband, he smiled in his beautiful supportive way and he said – “the other thing is, you need to allow yourself to let go of having to do everything yourself” – we need to let go of our own vision of ourselves as wonder women.

How can we do this?

Well, given I am a meditation teacher and a mindfulness educator, part of the answer for me lies in building our general levels of awareness. We need to build our awareness across two areas; the external world – what is actually happening?  And the internal world – what are we actually thinking and feeling?

External Awareness

We need to see clearly the actual external situation we currently find ourselves in – are we doing more than our fair share? Can we ask for more help from our partners/friends/family? What is actually happening here? Am I being taken advantage of or not?

Internal Awareness

We need to learn to really connect with our internal world. What is important for me? What is my body and my heart telling me in this situation? Of course we cant always be guided by our body and our heart but my general rule is (now!) if you get the same message a few times – you should probably listen.

 The rules and the landscape have changed my friends so we need to change too. If we don’t, we are just going to keep getting sicker, more marriages will break down and the anxiety rates in our beautiful children will just keep rising.

 None of us really knows the answers, we are all just making it up as we go along and we are really the only one who knows the answer for ourselves.  Just because she is working 5 days in her power suit and sits on all of the kinder fundraising committees and still makes organic bread with free range ham sandwiches for Jimmy for kinder – it doesn’t mean you have to keep up.

 Let’s cut the crap, if not for our health and ourselves, for our children.

 In all of this, I think the best gift we can give ourselves and our children is the capacity to come home, to come back to the place inside us that has always been there – the place that is clear, calm and connected. It doesn’t matter how we get there, what matters is that we get there – often. By living and working and parenting from this place of clear seeing awareness we can fall in love with ourselves again and come back to each other. We will all be better for it.